Most of the Next Gen Console Rumors Are Probably Wrong

It's that time of the year again.  Or more specifically, that time of the gaming console cycle when it seems credible enough that the next generation of devices might be in some kind of hardware prototype form that it seems perfectly reasonable to float around rumors about how they'll play (pun intended) out.

Which also means it is time to go visit some old friends.  Take a quick glance back at the news reporting about the PlayStation 3 before it debuted.  We're going to see some similar themes: leaps to conclusion about disc storage and of course, the old ghost about playing used games.  Let's not even worry about these from a Microsoft or Sony or Nintendo stance, just as pure speculation.

No more used games!

We'll start with the real money-maker.  And when I say money-maker, I mean this is essentially the online equivalent of trolling for a news source.  There's no doubt that the concept of having a game console block used games will drive page views and comments - gamers love their used games.  The $40-60 price range of most new titles is painful enough to have many gamers think twice before purchasing and the so called "grey market" that keeps GameStop in business is a handy way to purchase for many gamers.

This was widely reported as pretty much factual for the PS3 before it arrived, with some news outlets even suggesting the PS3 would physically notch your disc to make your game its bitch.  But it just doesn't add up.

Problem is: The used games market hits publishers in the money belt, not console makers.

Probably the biggest problem with this meme is that it supposes that the big three have a huge financial stake in it.  However the real profit loss for the console makers is subsidizing the console hardware, not in licensing software.  While they would surely like to see the "white market" sales go up, even Microsoft managed to turn the 360 into a huge profit machine this generation.  Publishers and studios are the ones who potentially go into the red when they spend money on game development, not the hardware makers.

Worse, such a move could potentially hurt console makers where they are actually vulnerable - selling actual consoles.  Analyst Michael Pachter has guess that blocking the sale of used games would probably lead to a bricks and mortar lead, gamer followed revolt.  I think he's completely right (and I don't always think that about Pachter).

Finally, I still say that the technology isn't quite as solid to pull this off as some other people do.  If you accept that gamers will still have an offline, disc-based experience ... there's no real way to pull this off.

Course, that brings us to...

No more disc-based games!

This one has an awful lot of credence behind it, considering the number of people who are now used to buying games - be it for the PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone, PS3, 360 or other abbreviation, via the Internet.  Steam, app stores, and console networks are big business these days and with some games only available via electronic means (think Minecraft), surely it makes sense that the next generation consoles would follow suit, right?

Problem is: many, if not most, living rooms are still not on the information highway

While wi-fi is largely domesticated and the concept of "high speed bandwidth" is becoming rapidly redundant - there's still a very healthy percentage of gamers who play 100% offline.  And we're not talking about the casual or senior citizen crowd here - we're talking normal if not hardcore gamers.  While  a decent percentages of gamers in 2011 use their console for online activities, it is by far not the majority.  I know it is anecdotal - but I'm constantly getting into conversations about gaming which quickly get confused because I assume they are playing the most recent patch (see Skyrim).

For more evidence check out the OnLive Console.  Did you even know there was such a thing?  While OnLive has exceeded my expectations for what can be done with streaming games - their hardware sales haven't exactly pegged them as "the fourth console maker" yet.  The truth is that the living room is still new frontier for certainly having high-speed access and many consumers don't yet associate their console as an online device.

But if we must have discs, then...

This XYZ console will use XYZ format!

Will Sony keep Blu-Ray?  Will Microsoft adopt Blu-Ray?  Will Nintendo use flash cards?

The problem with this speculation is that it is probably one of the last decisions the console makers need to make.  While architectural decisions about memory, bus speeds, processors, GPU, and other tightly integrated board components have direct impact on how games are actually coded - storage format fairly uniformly decides two things: capacity and load times.  It makes a big impact, for sure, but certainly not as much as how much system memory can be dedicated to textures or the like.

My guesses are: Sony will keep Blu-Ray, as keeping the Orbis a Blu-Ray player fits in their living room strategy and is cost-effective for them.  Plus, Blu-Ray is probably still the best option technically for games thanks to the large capacity on the discs.  Nintendo and Microsoft will probably use some kind of mutated version of HD-DVD because they can own the experience outright without licensing anything to Sony and still rival the size of Blu-Ray.  They might miss out on being a DVD player (but also might not) - but I'm not sure being a DVD player will be a serious game player in the next generation outright.

The problem with the flash card rumor is cost.  Flash cards offer a lot of versatility to developers (and probably the best option if anyone really did want to kill the grey market of used games) but are really only viable for mobile games where the footprint is small enough to keep costs down.  Look at this way - solid state drives have gotten to a point where they are essentially superior to traditional drives, but expect the makers to opt for the latter so that they can sell a "300GB" model instead of a "150GB" one for less price.

Bottom line: the speculation here is fun, but it is way too early to guess right now.

So for those scoring at home - for the top rumors about the next gen of consoles it is: no way in hell, almost certainly not, and way too early to even care.

Armchair E3 2011: Nintendo

Of all the big three gaming companies, Nintendo probably had the most to prove. It's not really a terribly good time for the big N. Their sales, while still solid in comparison to the other consoles - have dropped considerably from their previous heights and probably will continue to do so. The 3DS hasn't managed to sell as well as the DS, despite plenty of technical prowess. Microsoft and Sony have both released their motion solutions to the world, and while Sony's isn't doing poorly by accessory standards - the Kinect has sold incredibly.

When the Wii was released, HDTV adoption was slow on the rise and the concept of motion controlled gameswas absolutely and utterly new. The console was inexpensive, easy to use and surprisingly social. The Wii Fit was a brilliant add on, continuing on the theme of user controls that weren't controller based and also giving gamers a reason to learn yoga.

HDTV prices have dropped considerably - and the competing consoles are not only cheaper than when this generation first hit, but they have an excellent library of exclusives, mainstream and indie titles. The Wii has continued to struggle to bring anything but their own first party titles to real success, and while the post Fit era has seen a few gems, it would be hard to imagine a lot of third party developers lining up to release on hardware which is now, to be diplomatic, a bit quaint. This is probably why the vast majority of third party Wii titles are licensed based shovelware.

So E3 would certainly be Nintendo's time to shine.

I would probably describe what they announced more as ... glimmering? Maybe a bit of a glisten?

Since this post is late out of the gate, the Wii U is probably not a surprise to anyone. Quick recap: it will backwards compatible with the Wii, it sports a tablet styled controller with a 6 inch screen surrounded by the expected set of game controls as well as motion sensing and a camera.

The feature Nintendo seemed to thump the podium the most was the ability to display either a secondary screen on the controller, or to send the the main (TV) display to the controller, or flip them, or do a tango, etc., etc. Technically speaking, it's pretty some pretty neat stuff and I can imagine they have cool VNC style tricks going on.

The problem is that unlike the announcement of the Wii controller, the Wii U controller doesn't feel as revolutionary. We've seen this kind of trick before from all the way back to the Dreamcast's VMU and recently with Sony's tethering of the PSP. And while I know I'm missing out on some of the first person experience wow factor that distincts it ... it's also hard to get excited about something that seems like a tablet in a world that is getting increasingly ruled by tablets. If the 3DS is having trouble competing against iPhones ... how will the Wii U not have trouble competing against the iPad?

It's not that Nintendo can't answer these questions - the problem is ... they didn't answer these questions. Mainstream press walked away from E3 still not quite understanding what the console itself was capable of accomplishing. While it's not been confirmed that the hardware should be more powerful than the PS3 or 360 - Nintendo failed to display anything that proved that fact.

Worse, in fact, they showed demos of other platform's software. And then someone in the press realized Nintendo hadn't shown the Wii U working with multiple Wii U controllers, leading Nintendo to confirm that they currently have it only designed for a one controller to work with one console ... which promptly kicks in the shin some of the more interesting concepts of having the secondary display.

For a company which changed the industry with innovative ideas, the Wii U feels like a jumbled bag of other people's tricks. While it isn't surprising that Nintendo didn't talk cost - it is hard to think that a console with next generation hardware and a touchscreen controller is going to be cheap, which was one of the big factors of the Wii's success.

After their announcement, Nintendo's stock dropped sharply. Then it dropped a little more. Nintendo has about three quarters before it has to show the goods ... and they have a lot of information to nail down and offer up before then.

Game Play: GoldenEye 007 (Wii)

The original GoldenEye on the Nintendo 64 was such a high watermark that it still pales over console shooters today. The game's level design, pacing, weapon selection and multiplayer modes still impact designs today, but perhaps most importantly was the game's ability to tell a story despite the constraints of the cartridge based format. Gamers who played the game will still remember scenes where they dropped in on guards, protected Natalya from swarms of soldiers, and stormed after Trevelyan ... a far cry from the "find the red key" norm from shooters of the day.

Eurocom was responsible for The World Is Not Enough also on the the N64, one of the few games not done by Rare or ex-Rare developers which clearly had learned from the earlier game. So if any company other than Rare could take the original classic and update it for the Wii, it would probably have been them.

GoldenEye on the Wii follows the same basic skeleton of the original game while adding in-game cinematics, more expansive and detailed levels, more modern weapon selections and online multiplayer. The port is carefully done, with an emphasis on the elements from the original and maintaining new versions of scenes fans will remember while making sure the game doesn't feel out of date for the Call of Duty crowd as well. The result is possibly one of the best shooters on the platforms which can take advantage of modern design while making sure fans of the original can keep their nostalgia safe and secure. It is quite probably the best the Wii gamers could have asked to have.

The online mode is decent by most standards, but top notch for a Wii game ... the platform still struggles for a definitive online experience. I'm not sure I'm a fan of it having experience levels considering how much fun the original was to play with proximity mines and other gadgets out of the box, but again the online manages to capture much of the same pacing and fun of the original. Technically my only complaint with it is that the spawning logic on some of the game modes seems off ... hard to build up a solid defense when you're getting placed far away from your goal. Still, the only real problem is that aren't enough people playing it.

I hate to say it, but I would love to see a Sony Move version of the same game with updated graphics and PSN support. Games like GoldenEye and Red Steel 2 shows that good games are still quite worth playing on the Wii, but the console still shows a serious technical divide when you compare it to the other platforms.

Highly recommend however.

Game Play: Boom Blox

Boom Blox is one of those games that will remind you why you got a Wii. You could sparsely describe it as "Jenga with bombs", but that simplifies a deceptively complex gameplay structure which include several mechanics revolving around the basic theme of "fun with physics".

Players can take turns tackling the blocks, depending on the subgame you'll pull, throw, explode or shoot at the things in an attempt to score as many points as possible - and each of those actions have variations of their own like bowling balls and water hoses. With others, you can either cooperatively try and take down structures or go head to head for the most points.

There's very little flaw in the game. I'm not a huge fan of the shooting aspects of it, since it seems a bit like a cheap light gun game to me, but nearly everything else about it plays great and makes for an excellent multiplayer experience as well.

Highly recommended.

Game Play: MadWorld

As the Wii's substantial user base becomes even more substantial, publishers and developers are trying to figure out how to best get their games on the system. Many seems to making fairly generic franchise decisions (in other words, can we make a light gun game out of this). So hat goes off to Sega and Platinum Games for making a fresh title with a unique look and feel.

MadWorld is rendered in sharply contrasted black and white with splashes of red (for the large amounts of blood) and a few other choice colors. You play Jack, an ultraviolent kind of guy with a fancy chainsaw in his arm, in an ultraviolent part of town where such fancy chainsaw really comes in handy. The gameplay is a mix of Smash TV (Jack's grim cityview is the backdrop for such a television program) and God of War, where combos earn you cash and eventually you'll get a boss fight with a pretty decent handle of how quick time events should work (i.e. I didn't want to throw the controller).

I've made it through a few bosses now and the only real complaint I have is that the game can get repetitive despite many attempts by the developers to avoid it. I'm not sure if it is because once the visual style settles in, there's less eye candy about on a level by level or what - but the distractions made out of mini games (such as man darts - toss enemies into a massive dartboard), cutscenes and boss fights only marginally makes up for the fact that 90% of the residents in the game seem to just be waiting to be chopped to bits.

Recommended, but probably only as a rental.

Why Wii Motion Plus Annoys Me

Come June, Nintendo will release their latest hardware accessory - the Wii Motion Plus. As most of you know, it aims to increase the sensitivity on the wiimote to handle finer tuned movements and make it better equipped for lightsaber duels, frisbee tossing and practicing golf swings.

And I'm rather annoyed by the whole thing.

Look, we haven't turned on the Wii for a while. If we did, I guarantee you it would be for either Wii Fit or bowling. Possibly Rayman Rabbids TV, which feels like the last decent Wii title we got. We played the heck out of Animal Crossing for a while, but honestly there wasn't much new to the game to sustain us for long.

Which feels like a bit of a trend for the old big N. Most of the titles I've enjoyed on the console are old franchise hits warmed to Wii standards. And many have been good, but the fact that I'm mostly on the PS3 right now has nothing to do with the fact that it can push better graphics so much as there are better games to play. If it weren't for Wii Fit and Wii Mario Kart, the Wii would have virtually no software sales of which to speak.

So why am I annoyed at the Motion Plus? Because it's just another piece of hardware to support Nintendo's bad habits. Instead of engaging developers to build something other than yet-another-light-gun game, we have the same exact trick the Wii started with, only better. So you'll get exactly the same kind of games we've been getting, except some will be re-released and you'll need to buy yet-another-bit-of-white-plastic in order to play it.

I think of all the lost opportunities so far - a Wii Civ with proper multiplayer. A decent Wii RPG with proper multiplayer. An indie title like Flower with wiimote capabilities. Anyone up for some Wii X-Com? Or how about a decent Wii Sims with coop.

The potential is there. And I don't see the lack of real HD or high end graphics being the problem, I see Nintendo constantly worried about the next bit of hardware to release as the problem. I look at the release schedule for Wii in May, and it's pretty bleak.

Nintendo, of course, is trotting out Punch-Out! warmed up to Wii standards. Gah.

Nintendo's Massive Fail

The Girl is playing Animal Crossing: City Folk as I write this - watering some flowers and bouncing around. Our mortgage is half a millions now, but at least we have a basement.

At this very moment, Big Brother might be playing it as well. We've had some weird disconnect with exchanging friend codes all week long. We have no real way of knowing. We've got a cherry tree and our animals have been complaining about meeting people. Even more annoying, it seems our citizens know he's added our friend code, because they've mentioned him by name. The animals in the game can acknowledge him, but we cannot.

This is in despite of the fact that we've already played together on other games. Our Wiis know each other. We have each other's Miis.

City Folk is a game that constantly reminds you it wants to play online. I don't mean that in some subtle way, I mean the game actually asks you every time you play about why you don't have more friends you could be playing with.

But we're not. And I can't think of a single good reason why. Nintendo has just completely drop the ball here, and they've essentially dropped the ball when it comes to social networking and online multiplayer for the entire system.

They may be rolling in cash from selling more Wii Fits than a fruit stand sells fruit in the desert, but just because I have a Fit and Big Bro has Fit doesn't mean that we know what the hell the either is doing with it.

Compare this to the PlayStation 3 (or, I'm sure, the 360 to even larger degree). I've compared game play with other people just by looking at their trophies. If someone comes online, I can know about it even if I'm in the middle of a game. I've bounced around LittleBigPlanet with complete strangers on more than one occasion. It's as easy as selecting "Play Online" instead of "Play By Myself".

What's the name of Nintendo's console? It's the Wii, intentionally designed to invoke the imagery of playing in a group. But the only time that has really happened is some nights of bowling. Hell, I have a better sense of community from PlayStation Home than I do from any Wii Channel. The Animal Crossing commercials are all about playing online with people miles and miles away.

But it's just branding, just like the Wii itself. Yeah, I know I've complained about this before.

But I think it bears repeating.

Is LittleBigPlanet A Game Changer?

Thanks to the old Curmudgeon for bringing by this link:

But the game has managed to do what console titles have thus far shuddered to provide - an open, easy to use creation system that lets the community make the magic, while the creators stand back and marvel.

Why is this such a big deal, and what makes LittleBigPlanet's air of creativity so different?

-- Opinion: Why LittleBigPlanet Is Web 2.0 For Games, Fulfilled

It's a pretty insightful look into the game and touches on or relates to things we've discussed here before: the evolution of mods, the community that consoles have the potential for and the power of user friendly creation tools.

While chatting with Matt on it, it occurred to me - does this signify Nintendo dropping the ball on the concept? Super Smash Brothers held a lot of promise for the Wii on this front, but most of that seems to have more or less evaporated after the release. Nintendo has a relatively mature network - but one burdened by its own concepts of linking users. It's got a massive user base ... could the big N being doing more to empower them?

Game Play: Endless Ocean

Endless Ocean is one of those games that is quite simply a hard sell. You don't blow anything up, the graphics already feel a bit dated and it wasn't made by Will Wright. It's hard to even get "scuba diving arcade sim" out with a straight face.

And insert "of course it's the best scuba diving game out there when it's one of the only scuba diving games..." at any point (actually Endless Ocean is an extension of the Everblue games for the PS2). The truth is - Endless Ocean shows some extremely smart design choices. There is a simplicity to the game that makes the whole thing a joy to play. The fundamental rule of the game seems to be: you can't really do anything wrong.

Basically you drive your boat around, dive into the water and poke fish around. Want to go somewhere else? Just select "Return to Boat" at any time. You can't get hurt. You can poke sharks to your heart's content. You don't have to worry about air or pressure or anything. Theoretically you can run out of air, I haven't done it yet but I'm pretty certain you just get magically teleported back to the boat.

Endless Ocean is a rare subgenre of gaming based pretty much solely on exploration. It's entirely possible this game would bore the heck out of you. But if it doesn't within the first ten minutes or so - you'll probably get many hours out of the game before repetition sets in. Even by the time you've scoped out most of the Manoa Lai sea, you'll have reasons to revisit areas and discover new things. Heck, I thought I had covered nearly everything only to run into a derelict ship last night.

And when it works, when you get that kind of cool chill because some enormous sea creature just emerged out of nowhere - it works really well.

Cons: it looks like it might be somewhat short and once you've gone everywhere there may be little incentive to simply complete your knowledge by poking even more fish. Honestly, the whole poking thing is not my fave and it occupies a lot of the game (to learn about fish, you interact with them, sometimes by clicking A repeatedly). It seems like the camera mechanic is underused here - I would have rather snapped shots of fish and analyzed than tapping buttons.

Also, and this totally and completely not fair and some Wii fanboy will rightfully smite me for it - but I really wish for a PS3 version of the game. With dense HD visuals and a large hard drive with downloadable content, this game would be an easier sell. This doesn't mean Wii users should pass it up though and the game is certainly a safe rental title at least.

Game Play Quickies: Big Willy, The Force Unleashed Demo, Zak & Wiki and Tenchu

Generally when you're sick, if you aren't watching Robin Hood - you're playing games.

Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed (Wii)
I haven't been this wildly disappointed in a title in some time. The Girl and I are more or less fans of the series and probably would have been in line to play another one "just because" and while in general this game suffers from concepts which feel cut and pasted from the other titles - that's not the real crime here.

The real crime is that for the Wii this game was released half-cooked. The textures are simply inexcusable - sub PlayStation 2 for certain ... they'll make you wonder where your N64 controller is hiding. The HUD, and this might be some kind of odd HDTV conversion, looks miserable. There are weird additions to gameplay like hitting floating orbs to mind control which seem tacked on to appease someone who thought it would make for "good Wii play".

It's just bad, and in an cheap and ugly way.

The Force Unleashed Demo (PS3)
I think I had been warned about this in a preview - the problem with The Force Unleashed is that you'll run around slaughtering people left and right and the suddenly, jarringly, run into some boss or miniboss which gives you an absurd amount of difficulty. Even on hard I mowed down every bipedal foe in the demo except for the AT walker at the end. Which, damn you Kratos, seems to require beating up to a specific point and then engaging in some "follow the button" minigame to kill. If there was a game mechanic I wish people would think twice about using - this would be one of them.

Don't get me wrong - I'm either buying or renting this game. This is largely, though, because the Star Wars games end up being such better experiences than the movies (as the apparently wildly disappointing Clone Wars can prove). Basically if you want a good Star Wars movie these days, buy a game or call Genndy Tartakovsky.

Zak And Wiki (Wii)
Love it. Looove it. Wish I had unwrapped it when I got it so many moons ago. There's not much to say about the title since most everyone else has mooned excitedly about it - but it's an adventure title which harkens back to the good things about King's Quest with very little of the bad. Completely brilliant.

Tenchu: Wrath Of Heaven (PS2)
Remember when I bemoaned the lack of PS2 compatibility in the new PS3 models? This is the reason why. Tenchu still looks pretty decent upscaled and aside from some lingering camera issues still delivers the goods when it comes to sneaking around like a ninja, jumping on victims from above and doing very sinister animations on them.

Wii Motion Plus

I watched the part of the Nintendo E3 presentation where the Motion Plus was demonstrated. My first reaction is gee, thanks Nintendo - I really needed another accessory (or peripheral as I would call them, but The Girl mocks me so for it). I've wrist straps, plastic jackets, plastic steering wheels, numchucks, and a charger. I'm eyeing that darn balance board too. Now I've got to get some little dongle too? Does Nintendo make games or just video components to justify some weird plastic fetish someone seems to have.

And watching the Reginator drive a jet ski by leaning forward and twisting his wrists real fast doesn't help that "Wii gaming makes you look like a jackass" feature either.

But of course, the Wii Motion Plus has a very redeeming feature. It will finally give you that lightsaber game you've been craving to play. The real one, where you'll have duels and everything.

Which is pretty awesome.

GTA Comes To DS ... Wii next?

I've been largely ignoring E3, but this tidbit that a DS version of the Grand Theft Auto franchise is inbound reminded me of a question:

Why wouldn't Rockstar, with one of the most popular game franchises on the planet, be putting considerable resources to getting it on the most popular platform on the planet? Surely a Wii version can't be far behind.

Game Play: Send Mario Kart Wii Friend Requests

We finally got a chance to play The Brother and wife online for a little Kart action. It was completely wonderful but most people really don't need a blog post about that.

What you might need a blog post about is the fact that you can send a friend invite to play Kart online to anyone in your address book without pulling a pen and paper out and copying some annoying unique ID.

It's true. This oddly hidden feature is on the Friends screen where you can normally register them, but you have to wait for the little scrolling bar at the bottom to say something like "Send Invite To A Friend". Only then will clicking on it allow you to pull up your address book and send someone a nice little wiimail that they can easily use to accept said invitation.

Why this feature is so obscurely hidden when it is just sooooo damn handy I have no idea. Even after Big Bro had sent it once, it took him a while to find the way to do it again.

Horrible interface design, Nintendo, just simply dreadful.

But now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

PS3 Outsells 360 Again

Might as well let the fanboys have their day as the once maligned console jogs into a (tight) second place.

And honestly, I'm just not buying the shortage thing. I mean, if this was a launch and there was simply no other stock in existence - I might buy it. But it's not like every 360 in the world was suddenly snapped up in December and Microsoft forgot how to make more.

To further disprove this, here's a simple test.

1. Go to any store. Look for a Wii on the shelf.
2. Go look at those NPD numbers again.
3. Discuss.

The Wii has had more supply chain problems than anyone and is smacking the other consoles around like schoolgirls.

Update 360 bounces back in March, although somehow the DS and PS2 still manage to trounce everyone. The PS2? Still?

Note From Management: Quarantine And Smash Brothers

No, I'm not dead - although I've felt a bit like warmed over. I've caught the mother of all head colds, the kind that makes you cry uncle with a fever before even bothering with those normal pesky symptoms. Most of the fever seems to have subsided now, but the symptoms are still have their late night party. This has been going on since Wednesday, mind you, and feels every bit like those unwelcome guests that trash your place at this point.

The only plus is that I finally got a few free hours with Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. The thing about this game is that it really isn't one you can just jump into ... it just looks like it. Until you get the hang of how points work, what tricks you need to pull to knock people out (and hence ... score points) and at least a smattering of the controls - the game can be fairly annoying.

Once you get the hang of some of that, though, it's good brainless fun. And the wealth of options, from the stage builder to spectating (and betting) online fights to the adventure mode is pretty keen. Subspace Emissary, the title of said adventure mode, has gotten a few bangs. And it's certainly not perfect, but it's fun in that old school 2D way when you haven't run into a sequence you wish someone had playtested a bit further. Like yesterday I got stuck in a shaft because I gotten Link activated and getting his jumps to work properly for the situation was simply impossible. Any other character in the queue would have worked - but I wasn't even in a place to off the old elf so that I could swap.

There's the additional burden of Ninteno's bizarre friends list concept. That being that everyone will need to swap Brawl codes as well as Wii codes in some instances. I'm not sure why simply being on the Wii list isn't enough, but there it is.

All in all a definite thumbs up though, especially when you can't remove yourself from the couch anyway...

Wii Blamed For "Effeminate" Violence

WASHINGTON—Concerned parents are again blasting the Nintendo Wii for an incident of effeminate violence following a 13-year-old boy's limp-wristed attack on three of his classmates at a Cleveland-area middle school Tuesday.

The incident—the sixth of its kind in as many months—has left parents searching for answers and struggling to comprehend the dainty assault, which left the necks of two sweaters severely stretched out and countless fingers stubbed.

-- Wii Video Games Blamed For Rise In Effeminate Violence (The Onion)

Note ... it's The Onion.

Game Play: Ghost Squad

If I had to pick a single word to describe the rails shooter Ghost Squad it would be quite simply: ridiculous. The game is an arcade port and screams arcade port from every ounce of its soul - from the slightly outmoded graphics to the almost creepily well timed sections where you would normally have shoved another coin in the slot.

The concept is simple - there are three missions you're more or less expected to run through in one sitting. None of them are terribly long and the sequences will total up to about a half hour or so. There's a ridiculous assault on a cabin with hostages, a ridiculous assault on Air Force One to save the president and a ridiculous jungle assault to save Dr. McCoy (not, sadly, voiced by Deforest Kelley and actually probably isn't a doctor).

Upon finishing the missions in arcade mode, you get experience points, unlock new weapons, new alternate paths in the missions, new costumes and the chance to play the whole thing over again with slightly different gameplay. In party mode you get none of that - but you do get the chance to play it with a total of four people. There's also a tutorial/challenge mode that most people will venture into about once.

Four people on a 2004 rails shooter designed for two is ridiculous. You shoot *everything* very fast.

And yes, it's fun in that mindless rails shooter sort of way. It's fun to listen to the moronic dialog (my favorite still being the declaration that because you're ghost squad ... don't leave any traces (just shoot everything in sight).

At $30 I think Ghost Squad might be the most appropriately priced Wii game on the planet. It's not great, barely good - but it is fun and cheap.

Godzilla Wii Commercial (Ugh)

I think most of us can agree that this is not the way to advertise a Wii game:



Yeah, I mean, I get it's supposed to be over the top funny and all - but mostly it succeeds in lampooning itself more than anything else. Since I doubt anyone actually wants to invite their friends over to throw punches at each other, smash the furniture and spit randomly - it leaves one wondering just what the actually gameplay might be like. It's about the silliest Wii advertising I've seen since Nintendo suggesting hiding behind your couch might be a good strategy to play Metroid.

And if you want more ridicule, see it in slow and fast mode.

Some Odd Wii Bowling Techniques

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